First things first. For all of the men out there that like to spank it to Pam Anderson from time to time, you may want to put your boners and hand lotion away before reading this post any further.

Legal Disclaimer to All Men: I WILL NOT be responsible for whatever happens to your peckers if you choose to keep them out while reading this post.

Now that we got all of the legal shit out of the way, let me just say that I never thought that Pam was a really hot chick. She seems like a super cool chick and has a really cute and bubbly personality, but I always thought that Carmen Electra was much hotter in the looks department.

Okay, okay. I’m sure there’s a lot of horny men out there that would love to wring my little opinionated neck right about now, but I implore you to check out the photographic evidence below before proceeding with my murder.

I found a photographic gem of lil’ Pammy on Perezhilton.com (love you Perez!) today and my first thought was, “Damn, that Tammy Faye came back to life. I knew it! The nuns always said it mattered how many Hail Marys you said every day. I KNEW those bitches were lying.”

May I present to you a photo of the late Tammy Faye Bakker:

Shown on Kevo.com

And a recent photo of the “gorgeous” Ms. Anderson:

Shown on Perezhilton.com

So, do you guys still want to wring my neck? Trust me, your boners will thank you later.

Wow. After reading this breaking news story, I may have to start a countdown of how many days are left until the launch of the show that has jumped the shark more times than Paris Hilton has tested positive for a yeast infection. That’s hot.

According to People.com, another idiot judge is being added to the panel of “experts” for the train wreck formerly known as American Idol.

Yeah, like adding another mindless dolt is really going to make the shitty show more watchable. I’d rather pluck out my crotch hairs one by one than to subject myself to another torturous 5 months of hell.

So what must-have celebrity is being added to the prestigious panel of know-nothings you ask? Well, none other than Kara DioGuardi of course! (Insert sound of abruptly-stopped party music here).

WHO???

Yup, that was my first response too. “Who the shit f*ck is that?”

Here she is folks:

Shown on People.com

Apparently, I was under the misguided notion that the geniuses at American Idol would have picked somebody that is, oh I don’t know, RELEVANT SO PEOPLE WOULD KNOW WHO THE F*CK IT IS! If it takes a paragraph to explain who the newest “expert” judge is, maybe that wasn’t your best choice.

Here is who the hell she is according to People.com:

“DioGaurdi is certainly qualified for the job, having written songs for artists as diverse as Kelly Clarkson, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Santana, and Pink. Even Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers have released DioGuardi’s songs.”

Well after that explanation, I stand corrected.

I can’t wait to watch a show with a star-studded panel of judges comprised of an over-the-hill gangsta wannabe, an obnoxiously-coiffed and mouthed Brit, an “I wish I had a brain and another Xanax” ex-Laker Girl and Ms. Nobody Gives a Shit.

Woo hoo! The countdown’s on bitches!

You know, I’m probably one of the very few that think Andy Dick can actually be entertaining from time to time (LOVED him in Old School).

But I think I’m also one of the many that believe his last name is poetic justice for all the stupid shit he pulls. He was blessed with a great porno name but sadly, it has nothing to do with the size of his wiener. Poor guy.

Well, in true Mr. Dick fashion, he got himself into trouble again and was recently formally arrested (yes, once again). What a Hollywood role model!

People.com reports that the male Kathy Griffin look-a-like was formally charged with assault and drug possession following an incident that took place in July. Dick faces a total of four misdemeanors: assault, possession of marijuana and Xanax (without a prescription) and public intoxication.

Ah, the face that only a blind mother could love (perfect photo for this year’s Christmas cards, Mrs. Dick…).

Shown on People.com

It seems that our favorite love-to-hate Dickster was arrested outside the Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar in Murrieta, Calif., after he allegedly “walked up to the 17-year-old female victim, grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,” said a police statement at the time of the arrest.

Well, it’s too bad Mr. Dick wasn’t visiting Naples, FL instead. I’ve got a few girlfriends that would’ve gladly exposed their breasts for free. Conservative town, my ass.

Well kiddies, let me first say that I’m sorry to be away for so long.

Honestly, there hasn’t been shit in the headlines lately (at least nothing I can make fun of) and I had to hunker down for Tropical Storm Fay which turned out to be a bigger stinker than Tom Cruise’s last “masterpiece”, Lions for Lambs.

After what seems like years that Gwen Stefani has been with child, she finally pushed out another kid. And his name is… are you ready for this shit?

Zuma Nesta Rock

The first thought that popped in my head is, “What the f*ck?“ Did I read that right?

So I want to know: was this tragedy of a name due to Gwen getting drugs before having her C-section?

Was Gavin smoking a little somethin’ somethin’ on his way to the hospital?

Please, would somebody explain to me why in the hell 2 grown adults would choose such a shitty name for their second born child?

Oy vey is all I can say on this one. Oy friggin’ vey.

The Proud Parents Who Gave Their Son a Forever F*cked Up Name

Ha Ha. I LOVE reading negative stuff about Tom Cruise these days. LOVE IT!

I really used to enjoy watching him in movies – I always thought he was a fine actor and was quite talented. That is, until the now infamous “couch-jumping” scene on Oprah a few years ago.

Dude, seriously – you should have reigned it in. That shit was just WAAAAYYY over the top for a lot of people. I mean really, what man has ever done anything remotely similar to what you did for some chick? I’ll save you the trouble of thinking about that one: NONE!

Now, I just stay away from watching any of his films as I just can’t take him seriously anymore – onscreen or off. And don’t even get me started on his Scientology crap. Nice career move, Tom. Oy vey – what a gigantic douchebag.

So I was quite delighted to read an article on Slashfilm.com today that Angelina Jolie (who has the power to turn many straight women into lesbians – myself included) is replacing old “Scientology is the Shit” Tom Cruise in the upcoming thriller, Edwin A. Salt.

Shown on Slashfilm.com

Apparently, the screenplay is currently being redrafted to reflect the gender change. The plot revolves around a CIA officer (Edwin A. Salt) who is thought to be a Russian spy and must escape being captured while proving that someone else is the traitor. I guess it’s safe to say that Edwin may now be known as Edwina…

It’s been rumored that the reason behind the studio’s sudden change in plan is threefold:

1. Angelina is much better looking and will draw a bigger male crowd;

2. Angelina isn’t known to be a diva on set;

3. Angelina doesn’t have to wear “big boy” shoe lifts.

Well, those are all legitimate reasons in my book.