Disney Characters Going to the Big House

I’m sure that from a child’s point of view, this story may actually be quite traumatizing instead of f*cking hysterical. But I’m NOT a child, so suck it!

Apparently, Cinderella, Snow White, Tinkerbell, Peter Pan and other Disneyland favorites were frisked, handcuffed and loaded into police vans at The Happiest Place on Earth yesterday. And they went straight to jail. Not Disney jail, but J-A-I-L. You know, The Hoosegow, The Pokey, The Slammer, The Joint, The Cooler, The Clink? Yeah – THAT jail.

According to MSNBC.com, the arrest of the 32 protesters dressed in Disney costumes (I think Walt just rolled over in his grave) came at the end of an hour-long march to Disneyland’s gates from one of three Disney-owned hotels at the center of a labor dispute. The protesters were arrested on misdemeanor counts of failure to obey a police officer and two traffic infractions.

Oooh, hardcore offenders. I love it!

MSNBC.com also reports that the hotel workers’ contract expired in February and their union says Disney’s latest proposal makes health care unaffordable for hundreds of employees and creates an unfair two-tier wage system. The union also says Disney wants to create a new category of part-time employees who would receive greatly reduced benefits.

Oooh, a Disney scandal. I love it!

Associated Press

Associated Press

So all I can think about right now is how much I would have LOVED to be have been standing outside of Disneyland next to some stoner dude who thought he was trippin’ as these Disney characters were being loaded into the police vans. Now THAT would be some really funny shit.

I think the conversation would go a little something like this:

STONER: (in a Jeff Spicoli-like voice)

“Duuuude. What’s goin’ on here? I’ve never seen mice soooo big.”

ME: “Well, it looks like Minnie Mouse was a baaaad girl. Mickey caught her f*ckin’ Goofy and went ape shit on her ass.”

STONER: “Woooaaah, dude. That’s some serious shit. What about Snow White?”

ME: “Apparently, Ms. White is not as pure as the driven snow and was caught running a brothel in Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. I guess that’s why the 7 Dwarfs keep following that bitch around.”

STONER: “That’s some heavy shit, man. What about the gnarly dude in the green tights?”

ME: “Oh, Peter Pan? Dude – that wasn’t fairy dust he was sharing with Tinkerbell all these years. Oh no – they were running a crack house over in Fantasyland.”

STONER: “Duuuuude. I LOOOOVE Disneyland!”

ME: “Yup, me too. Good, wholesome, family fun. Bring all your kids.”

And in related news, Bugs Bunny dropped an anvil on Yosemite Sam’s head for calling him a “varmint” for over 50 years.

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Man Banned From His Chick’s Snatch Because of Noisy Sex

Ahhhh, the British. God, I love those people. I was a huge Benny Hill and Monty Python fan while growing up, and I can just listen to their lovely accents all day long. They even have the uncanny ability of making “I have to take a shit” sound proper and enchanting. What a talented lot.

But as many of you fellow Benny Hill fans know, they can also lean toward the kinky side. And this next guy and his horny girlfriend are no exception.

According to Yahoo News, the court has banned Adam “I’m a screamer” Hinton, 32, and his talented penis from being within 110 yards of his girlfriend Kerry Norris’ vajayjay apartment because he was schtooping her too hard and very loudly.

What a stud! That man should be given a standing ovation, not a restraining order!

Anyway, residents of Norris’ apartment complex have been complaining since 2006 about thumping music, banging headboards and screamed obscenities.

What’s wrong with that? Sounds like a good time to me. Some people just don’t know how to have any fun.

Yahoo News also reports that neighbors complained about Norris sunbathing naked in her yard, and were upset that a 6-year-old child in the building had been “subjected to the sort of obscenities you wouldn’t want a 6-year-old to hear,” the spokesman said.

I would have given anything to be a little British fly on THAT wall…

God, do I love the British.

Paris Will See You at the Debates, Bitches!

I don’t usually like to call attention to celebutards such as Paris Hilton, but I think America’s poor little rich girl deserves some serious props in this matter.

I’m sure you’ve heard by now how John McCain decided to mention Paris and some other “celebrities” in one of his recent campaign ads bashing Barack Obama. If you haven’t, dude – what rock do you live under? Seriously.

So after watching the TV spot, Paris and her mom are all like, “we’re not gonna take this lying down” (for once anyway) and then McCain is all like, “I thought it was funny” and then Paris and her mom are all like, “well, you’re not getting any more Hilton money so let’s see how funny that actually was.”

So in true Paris fashion, she and the comedic geniuses over at FunnyorDie.com (which is an awesomely funny site thanks to Will Farrell) put up a video the other day in response to McCain’s jabs.

Paris Responds to McCain's Ad

I have to admit that while Paris was, more than likely, reading from a teleprompter, she did come across as well-spoken, intelligent and knowledgeable. She actually had a logical resolution to the current energy crisis. And you have to girl the girl props for poking fun at herself.

Jesus H. Crist – did I just actually type that last paragraph? What is this friggin’ world coming to?!

Honestly, I’m surprised that Paris even knows who McCain is. I assumed she would’ve thought he had something to do with McDonald’s or some stupid shit like that.

And I would’ve suspected that she thought Obama was the bad guy George Bush and his Dream Team have been searching for since 9-11. Who knew?

Wow – Paris. You certainly know how to keep us on our toes when you’re not down on your knees. Well done.