And the F*cktard of the Year Runner Up Is …

The Internet just keeps teasing me with the plethora of f*cktard stories today. You dirty, little minx you!

Just when I thought no one could top the Daniel Allen “I’ve always been a f*cktard” Everett story today, this sweet little gem pops up in my Bloglines feed reader. Sadly for me though, this genius hails from Florida too. Man – I gotta get out of this state.

I picked up my dog’s medicine at Costco’s pharmacy the other day, an experience which is always just short of a friggin’ nightmare. I can’t get over how many people flock to that store in droves to stock up on expensive shit they’ll never need just because they think they’re getting a bargain. Yeah, that 20 lb. tub of cooking lard is gonna come in really handy someday… You may as well pick up that 50 lb. bottle of antacid and 10 lb. bottle of hair gel while you’re at it.

Anyway, while I was driving through the “bargain”-shopper-infested parking lot, I saw an elderly woman driving away with a HUGE container of cookies she forgot on her roof. I’m not sure how she didn’t realize it was sitting on her roof before getting in her car – I’m pretty sure that satellites orbiting in outer space could see the damned thing, it was so huge.

It was too late to get her attention but I did what any respectful person would do in this situation – I giggled my mother-effing ass off and said, “what a boob!” under my breath.

Now while I’m sure many people have left things on their car roofs before, I’m pretty sure no one has done what this next intelligent human being did with her own grandchild.

Yahoo News reports that Florida’s own “Granny of the Year” was arrested for driving around the parking lot of a Marathon grocery store with her 3-year-old grandchild sitting on the roof of the car. They didn’t report the Granny’s name or post her photo, though. Hmmm. Wonder why…

Anyway, authorities were called to a local Publix store after receiving a complaint of the elderly f*cktard driving around with her granddaughter on the roof of the car. Granny told the police that she would never hurt her granddaughter and was driving “at a snail’s pace” and was holding the child’s leg.

Well, then. As long as you were holding the child’s leg, I guess that’s okay. For a minute there, I thought you were doing something stupid.

And the reason behind Granny’s actions? She told the police she was giving the child some air and letting her have fun. Huh. I thought that’s what local parks were for. My bad.

Well, unfortunately, there’s one born every minute folks.

Hey Favre – Save the Drama for Your Mama

Given the fact that I was born and raised in Chicago, I was bred to be a die-hard Chicago Bears fan which also happens to include the duty of hating Brett Favre.

Every year when the Bears and Packers would face off in the dead of winter, I would put on my Favre-hatin’ hat and tell all the Cheeseheads to “go suck it.” Well, I might not live in Chicago any longer, but I’m still tellin’ the Cheeseheads to “go suck it.” Although these days, I’m proclaiming my faith from my swimming pool with a cold cocktail in my hand …

So being both an avid Bears fan and an avid Fav-ra-ra hater, do you have any idea just how SICK and TIRED I am hearing about all the daily drama surrounding the second coming-and-going of his retirement?!!! ENOUGH ALREADY, you friggin’ primadonna! Get a life and get a hobby!!! Sorry people – old habits are hard to break…

Shown on Yahoo News

Okay, yes. So Favre is a three-time MVP and Super Bowl-winning quarterback and may have had a great 2007 season. But are you forgetting his shitty 2005 and 2006 seasons already? He threw 29 interceptions in 2005 (his own record high) and only 20 touchdowns (in comparison, he threw 30 TD’s in 2004). And in 2006, he made 613 pass attempts with 343 completions (56%).

Dude – you gotta know when it’s time to hang it up and walk off the field gracefully with your head held up high. You’re 38 years old and you’ve had a great career. Count all your blessings, count all your millions and move the EFF on already!

But no. Fav-ra-ra can’t handle being out of the spotlight for one second. And now, Yahoo News reports that #4 Fudge Green Bay Packer is now going to be the problem of the New York Jets! Ha ha ha! Hey Jets – you better stock up on the Kleenex ’cause your Broadway Brett is a cryer!

Some manly images of the football great to burn into your brains:

(Warning: These images are not for the faint of heart).

Shown on todaystmj4.com

Shown on 620wtmj.com

Shown on community.livinglakecountry.com

Shown on todaystmj4.com

Well, Packers fans. I bet you’re really proud of your man now ’cause unfortunately, this is what most of the NFL lovin’ world is going to remember most about Favre. You can thank Broadway Brett’s latest soap opera antics for that.

So tell me. Are YOU as sick as me of hearing about the most cryingist football player in history?

Giant Gaping Pothole in the Internet is Being Fixed

Although looks can be deceiving from time to time, I am the quintessential geek when it comes to computer technology. I love all things about it and find it quite fascinating. That’s why this next story, reported on both Yahoo News and CNN.com, caught my (insert simultaneous gratuitous hair toss here) gorgeous, warm brown eyes today.

Apparently, there is a huge gaping security hole which allows scammers to target ordinary people when they’re typing in legitimate Web addresses. The scammers then re-direct the computer users to malicious sites and steal their information.

Yahoo News reports that if the trick is done properly, computer users are unlikely to detect whether they’ve landed at a legitimate site or an evil double maintained by someone bent on fraud. Great – more things to worry about while surfing the Net.

Now while I found this news to be quite disturbing, it wasn’t half as disturbing as discovering the photo and title of the guy who discovered this big gaping hole. For a second there, I thought I was being directed to a malicious site. Scary.

Shown on Yahoo News

The following text is taken verbatim from Yahoo News. And I quote:

“In this undated photo provided by IOActive Inc., Dan Kaminsky, director of penetration testing for Seattle-based computer security consultant IOActive Inc., is shown.”

I can only imagine how THAT topic comes up in business networking conversations.

Bob: “I’ve been the President of Mergers and Acquisitions at JoBlow Inc. for about 5 years now. But enough about me.”

“So Dan, what do YOU do?”

Dan: “Well, Bob, I’m the Director of Penetration Testing for IOActive.”

Bob: “Wow – I didn’t think they actually tested out condoms before putting them out to market. Cool job, dude.”

And in related news, Tito Ortiz is working on patching the giant gaping hole between Jenna Jameson’s legs…

Another Florida Idiot Calls 911 – What’s in the Friggin’ Water Down Here?

I have to admit that since I’m a Floridian, I’m a tad embarrassed to report this bit of news. Especially since the same type of activity occurred in two days’ time. Way to go guys. Way to represent…

However, I’m wa-a-a-y down south in Naples so I’m far enough removed from the “stars” of both this post and yesterday’s related story. Heck, the only real proven idiots we have down here are the local county and city commissioners so I guess I’m in the clear.

Once again, leave it up to Yahoo News to post this impressive news story. Yahoo News reports that Carlos “I’m much smarter than Reginald “Big Brains” Peterson” Gutierrez, 47 was at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Tampa early Monday and lost his balls to a slot machine.

Now most rational people would raise their fists and curse the machine and just move on down to the next one or just call it a day. Nope, not our smart little Carlos.

He decided he needed to call 911 to say that the nasty slot machine stole all his money. And just like our little Reggie, he decided not to do it once, but twice.

According to Yahoo News, the arrest report says Gutierrez left the casino to place a second 911 call to say the same thing.

Wow – you got me, Carlos.

I honestly have to say that for the first time in my life, I’m left speechless.

Delta Airlines to Offer Wi-Fi on Domestic Flights -Woopdeedoo!

In keeping with the “Lame Ass News Week” theme, here’s another little interesting news nugget that was reported in Yahoo News today.

Delta Air Lines, Inc. will be offering broadband wireless Internet access on its entire domestic fleet by the middle of 2009. Awesome!

But of course, don’t expect that service to be free (what the hell were YOU thinking?). A flat fee of $9.95 will be charged on flights of three hours or less, and $12.95 on flights of more than three hours.

So now, not only will passengers be treated to paying fees for bringing clothes other than the ones on their backs on board, paying fees for choosing who they want to sit next to when their plane is sitting on the runway for 3 hours, paying fees to consume a miniature can of soda and bag of peanuts, and paying fees for losing their own luggage and taking a crap in the broom closets airlines like to call lavatories (soon to come, I’m sure), they will now also need to pony up the dough for using Wi-Fi. Sweet. Where do I sign up?

I just recently flew Spirit Airlines to Chicago and I couldn’t get over all of the stupid fees they were charging. I really felt duped. What I thought was a round-trip deal for $189 turned out to be a round-trip ass whoopin’ for $270. I wish they would’ve just disclosed this amount up front and I would’ve been fine with it.

Hey Spirit – next time you want to F*ck me up the ass with your sneaky fees, buy me dinner first.