And the F*cktard of the Year Runner Up Is …

The Internet just keeps teasing me with the plethora of f*cktard stories today. You dirty, little minx you!

Just when I thought no one could top the Daniel Allen “I’ve always been a f*cktard” Everett story today, this sweet little gem pops up in my Bloglines feed reader. Sadly for me though, this genius hails from Florida too. Man – I gotta get out of this state.

I picked up my dog’s medicine at Costco’s pharmacy the other day, an experience which is always just short of a friggin’ nightmare. I can’t get over how many people flock to that store in droves to stock up on expensive shit they’ll never need just because they think they’re getting a bargain. Yeah, that 20 lb. tub of cooking lard is gonna come in really handy someday… You may as well pick up that 50 lb. bottle of antacid and 10 lb. bottle of hair gel while you’re at it.

Anyway, while I was driving through the “bargain”-shopper-infested parking lot, I saw an elderly woman driving away with a HUGE container of cookies she forgot on her roof. I’m not sure how she didn’t realize it was sitting on her roof before getting in her car – I’m pretty sure that satellites orbiting in outer space could see the damned thing, it was so huge.

It was too late to get her attention but I did what any respectful person would do in this situation – I giggled my mother-effing ass off and said, “what a boob!” under my breath.

Now while I’m sure many people have left things on their car roofs before, I’m pretty sure no one has done what this next intelligent human being did with her own grandchild.

Yahoo News reports that Florida’s own “Granny of the Year” was arrested for driving around the parking lot of a Marathon grocery store with her 3-year-old grandchild sitting on the roof of the car. They didn’t report the Granny’s name or post her photo, though. Hmmm. Wonder why…

Anyway, authorities were called to a local Publix store after receiving a complaint of the elderly f*cktard driving around with her granddaughter on the roof of the car. Granny told the police that she would never hurt her granddaughter and was driving “at a snail’s pace” and was holding the child’s leg.

Well, then. As long as you were holding the child’s leg, I guess that’s okay. For a minute there, I thought you were doing something stupid.

And the reason behind Granny’s actions? She told the police she was giving the child some air and letting her have fun. Huh. I thought that’s what local parks were for. My bad.

Well, unfortunately, there’s one born every minute folks.